Wednesday 25 August 2021

JUST LET ME DIE LIKE THIS (Class: Loser Assassin)

 Inspired by the CHAINSAW WIZARD and the RE-ANIMATOR, both by the legendary ModronRPGs.



Imagine being such a loser that you have to kill people for money. 

Can’t even kill because of misconstrued ideology or badly interpreted religion, like the rest of the heavily armed dangers to society. 

What a disappointment. 


+1 to Hit and +1 HP per Template

Starting Items: Dark Clothing, Sunglasses, Nokia N900, 1 Weapon of Choice

Starting Skills: 1) Parkour 2) Climbing 3) Jiu-jitsu 4) Great Hearing 

A - Contracts, Weapon of Choice, What Doesn’t Kill You

B - Face/Off, This Door Can’t Stop Me 

C - Visceral Action

D - Perfect Death Machine 


You have a Nokia N900 that tells you to kill people.

At your request, the DM can have the Nokia ping, and send you a name, location, and information - along with the promised reward. This is usually monetary.

Kill the person. The next time you sleep, the nearest container (cupboard, bag, taxidermied bear) will contain the reward in small, unmarked bills. 

Every time you kill someone, you increase a stat called PAWN by 1. It starts at 0. 

Weapon of Choice

You have a fondness for a specific tool of termination. 

Unless otherwise specified, your Weapon of Choice takes up 2 Slots and deals 1d8 Damage. Weapons that require ammunition come with 20 pieces of the requisite ammo. 

You can spend 2 PAWN to get another roll on this table. It arrives with your next cash reward. 

  1. Antique Machine Gun - Screams when you fire it. Unwieldy and crude.

For each successive attack on the same target, increase the Damage Dice by 1. d8 -> d10 -> d12 -> 2d6 -> 2d8 and so on. If you roll a 10 or higher, you have to take a turn to reload. 

  1. Hammer and Nails - A big rusty claw hammer, and seven shiny six-inch nails. 

The nails, when struck by the hammer, can stick into basically any surface. You always know exactly where the nails are. 

  1. Baseball Bat - Wrapped in a red rag, with bent nails jammed into it. 

The baseball bat can be used to deflect energy attacks (like fire, or lightning, or cosmic darkness) by whacking them away.  This could be represented mechanically as a bonus to relevant saves.

  1. Padlock-on-a-Chain - Whistles cheerfully as you swing it. Industrial steel. 

Useful for everything a weight on a chain is useful for.
Also, useful for everything a padlock and a chain are useful for. 

If you fumble while swinging it, you hit yourself.

The key is your left hand. Nobody else can unlock it. 

  1. Crossbow - Fires with a *twang!*. Made of carbon fiber and wire. 

With five minutes “off-screen”, you can cobble together 2d6 pieces of ammunition for the crossbow, even if that’s totally nonsensical. 

  1. Pump-Action Shotgun - Built like a leg of furniture. Cheap and ugly. 

Fires flechettes, dealing 2d6 to unarmored targets, and making a horrible whistling noise. 

  1. Bazooka - Metal tube. Makes a satisfying *whoomp* when you fire it. 

Takes up 3 slots, deals 2d10 Damage. Loud. You are immune to the damage of the Bazooka’s explosions (although not to being flung by the blastwave). 

  1. Sniper Rifle - Covered in nonsensical extraneous attachments. 

Has a truly ridiculous range, deals 1d10 damage. Takes up 3 slots. If given five minutes of aiming time, you can instantly kill a creature with equal or less HD than you, no attack roll needed.

  1. Folding Scythe - Would be bloody inconvenient if it didn’t fold. 

Only takes up 1 slot.
Can dismember ghosts. 

  1. Taser - Yellow plastic pistol which hums in the presence of machinery.

Once it hits, there’s a 1 round delay, then it does 3d6 nonlethal damage.
Only takes up 1 Slot.
Useless against targets without nervous systems or skin. 

  1. Fists - They are, allegedly, your own two hands. 

When wearing your fists, you can attack one more time than you should be able to in a round (so, 1 attack becomes 2, 2 becomes 3, and so on), at the cost of 2HP.
They take up no slots. 

  1. Spy Pistol - Goes *voip* when you shoot it, and explodes people’s heads.
    A very quiet pistol, all things considered.
    If fired from behind at melee range, the Spy Pistol kills ordinary people instantly and silently sprays the contents of their head in a 20ft cone.

What Doesn’t Kill You

Every time you suffer a serious injury, or are dismembered in some manner, and survive, gain 1HP permanently. 

You can expend 1 PAWN to get advantage on rolls on injury or dismemberment tables.  


While people can’t see your face, you gain [+TEMPLATES] AC. 

If you don’t have a face, this always applies.

This Door Can’t Stop Me 

Your almighty boot can smash down mundane doors instantly without any loss of speed. Even reinforced or magical doors crumble in 1d6 kicks. 

Visceral Action

You may now attack twice in a round, and, should you score a critical hit, deal triple damage instead of double. 

Perfect Death Machine

You can expend any number of PAWN to add that many d8s to a damage roll.

People killed by the extra damage from Perfect Death Machine explode into chunky salsa. 

Oh, also, the Nokia was the fuckin' Grim Reaper the whole time. Trippy.